turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
Was rudely woken up by strangers at 4:15am. I was leaning against the stoplight at 9th
Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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