you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
The cops walked in to class and arrested 2 guys for possession.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
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