THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
I'm done, I have no more memes or ways to ask for nudes, so yeah
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
Randomize
