the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
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he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
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Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
We figured you were on something when you said that your nipples couldn't hear the music.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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