I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
