The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
No. If you are gonna end this, you are gonna do it right. Not by getting bombed and falling on a strange penis. That was the old you.
Smoked a blunt with a girl i met at the bus stop today. What you did today is irrelevant
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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