I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
How does it feel to date your dad?
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
