I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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