i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move
that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.
I will be naked everywhere
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
