He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
the liver wants what the liver wants
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
ever had the feeling "I've been drunk in this bathroom before?" Like De ja drunk?
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Randomize
