i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
week 6 of class: i have yet to go to spanish sober. i love being THAT girl.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
YOU'RE NOT THE ONE BEING EVISCERATED BY YOUR OWN UTERUS SO GET SOME DAMN SLEEP YOU FOOL!
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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