his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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