Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Randomize
