I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
In an effort to go green, I just used rainwater to fill my bong.
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
She made me a smoothie in the morning.. It was vodka and fruit.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
