i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Randomize
