I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
just puked a little into my hand/sleeve. way too hungover for the first day of class
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
Randomize
