i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
Hey just to warn you theres a really fat guy passed out in front of our front door snoring. Don't touch him, he's in god's hands now.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
