Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
