The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
