Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
