I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
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I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
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But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Also I literally googled "how to fold socks" so that's how my day is going. How's yours?
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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