he was shitfaced drunk and couldn't walk but could still recite the top 10 in order from the first season of american idol. impressive
guy at the corner shop gets out a bottle of tequilla and a pack of malboro light whenever he sees me through the door. makes me feel loved and cared for
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
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I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
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He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is