Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
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