yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
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