Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
23 Insane Reasons People Got Fired
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
These 31 Gross People Really Put The ‘Trash’ In ‘Trashed’
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Only thig bad about that muscular chick from the gym is she liked it so rough I had to bust out a few wrestling moves from highschool
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick