I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
