Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
Randomize
