You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
Something about being drunk at 1pm chasing seagulls on the beach while it's raining is very calming
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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