I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Same way I cope with everything else. With dildos, dunkin and depeche mode
Randomize
