ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester
Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
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I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
He just stared into my eyes and touched himself. That isn't hooking up.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize