she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
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