my soul wont recognize me after tonight
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
Randomize
