Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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