We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
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