it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
