Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Never underestimate the power of loudly proclaiming you want to make out with someone
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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