So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
I assume you will show your seat mates your vibrating cock ring.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.
I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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