my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
This is Jewish guilt versus Irish Catholic guilt. We should tread carefully, or we could fuck up the space-time continuum or something.
I'm okay with that.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
HE HAS CHALLENGED MY BADNESS. I MUST CONQUER ALL THAT QUESTIONS MY POWER. BRING FORTH THE TIT PICS.
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
