Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
is it sad that i can honestly say it was the best birthday sex i've ever had and it was still terrible?
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I said geronimo as I came I'm not sure if he appreciated the doctor who reference or was just confused
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
But of course I'm in. After all, what fun would the holidays be without trying to find the perfect gift to impress someone you've never met, but need the approval of??
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
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