My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Enjoy the penises
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
