Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
I cant tell you how much harder a belt makes hoeing
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