she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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