my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Holy shit, just saw a girl in the library smoking a bong disguised as a calculator
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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