There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
So, is Canada considered an excessive distance to go for a booty call? Asking for a friend...
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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