Good luck man
I dont need it. Shes easy.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza