I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Just washed my feet between classes in the bathroom...Four girls totally judged me...
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
