the condom got lost in my hair
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
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you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
21 People That Had The Worst Birthdays Imaginable
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Yes. He better. Or I will shave a penis into his beard while he sleeps.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.