drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
These 27 C*ck Blocks Are Savage AF
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC