cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
