Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
