just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
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Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
Well, I told him that it's not all about him. Then I gave him the best blow-job in the history of blow-jobs.
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
THIS IS NOT A LAUGHING MATTER, CAITLIN. MY PARENTS ARE FUCKING. LOUDLY.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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