Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
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