We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
she complimented my bra when we were hooking up. this lesbian thing has its upsides
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
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