I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Heard about your divorce. Let me know if I can do anything for you or your penis ;-)
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