sorry if i was weird last night, had weird deja vu that we had done that before, i mean with the peanut butter.
we had.
well that explains the rash. i dont think i should see you again.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
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If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
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Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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