once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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