My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
Come share oat with me in your robe
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
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