Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
Hey can you send me a pic of your breast with a peace sign in the photo? I'm trying to win a scavenger hunt contest. Thanks so much
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
he would NOT stop making out with my stomach! creeeeeepy
Randomize
