I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
This is that think about life weed. Thank god I'm in American lit this semester. I can actually write papers in this vat of introspective stoned.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
who gets drunk at chipotle by noon and then gets kicked out? this chick.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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